Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tropical Detox Lite

As some of you may know I have felt like crap warmed over for the past nearly two years.  I had good days but more than my share of bad days.  On the bad days I drank more to mask the crappie feeling until it got to the point I could kill more than a liter of whiskey a day without batting an eye.  I started thinking, with the constant harassment of my significant other, that this could be over medication.

This led to an attempt to get into detox in our local tropical guidance clinic which is conveniently located within staggering distance of one of the more popular watering holes in town.  Getting into detox is not as easy as you might think.  It took twice a day phone calls for nearly a week and with each call I was reminded not to stop drinking until a bed was available.  Once I finally got the call to join the crew at the guidance clinic my significant other coached me on how drink responsibly so I would not exceed the maximum for admission.  So after four cocktails in an hour and a half I blew a respectable 0.128 right in the range for admission.

The detox clinic reminded me of a minimum security prison.  While I have never been incarcerated, nearly all of my fellow detoxese had been and one was kind enough to explain the difference to me.  In prison you get three hots and a cot.  In detox you get three snacks and a rack.  A subtle but significant difference.

I learned a very valuable lesson during this adventure.  When they ask you if you have any special dietary needs keep your mouth shut!  I mentioned that since I have high blood pressure, I tend to watch my salt.  This resulted in special meals with bland, or low salt written on the lid.  There appeared to be absolutely no difference between bland and low salt.  On most days this didn't make that much difference, since everything was pretty much bland but one morning they had real bacon on the menu.  I was stuck with some indiscernible tufu type imitation burger patty that tasted more like one of those Styrofoam looking puffed rice patties.  I don't tend to cry but I felt moisture coming out of my eyes as the last slice of bacon was consumed.

The special diet also meant I didn't get any salty snacks for lunch.  This really sucked because I do tend to enjoy salt snacks in moderation.  Another shock to my system was that alcoholics tend to crave sugar once they they go on the wagon.  With the exception of semi-sweet extra dark chocolate, I don't eat hardly any sweets and still have no craving for them.  With the menu I was offered, I ate a number of sugar cookies to have something that had some flavor pass my lips.  While I did experience some withdrawal shakes, the sugar rush accentuated them to the point I was given 30 mg of Valium.  I don't do drugs of any kind, other than my BP meds, so for the first day and a half I was pretty much a Zombie wrapped in something that is supposed to be a blanket shivering my butt off.

Speaking of my butt.  Detox can also be a rapid weight loss program if you mention you have special dietary needs.  My significant other mentioned that most of my butt disappeared during my stay.  Unfortunately it was my butt and not my ample gut that shrank.

As a heavy smoker, being limited to nine cigarettes per day on a roughly a two hour schedule was also a major shock.  On the whole though I passed and was released in the minimum time allowed for detox.  Not only that I also sold a guide trip to one of my detox fellows once he is calm enough to be discharged.  I will have more on this later.

No fishing reports this time because I have been out of the loop for the past few days.

Marathon in the Florida Keys should be your next fishing vacation destination. Join us for charter fishing, fishing guide trips or our fishing 101 so you can fish on your own with better success.

Tight lines,

Capt. Dallas

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